Knock Knock
Screen play by David M Payne and David W Richardson.
© 2008
FADE IN:
001 INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
Two men -- DAVID and BRIAN -- are sitting at a small dinette table eating breakfast. Each is eating
from a LARGE BOWL of cereal. On the table is a box of GET A LIFE CEREAL.
DAVID, the older of the two, eats slowly, taking his time. BRIAN is younger. He eats faster, with
enthusiasm, as if he's in a hurry to have breakfast out of the way.
BRIAN
Nice day for collections! Wonder how many will be on my list today?
DAVID
Yeah, that's right. Big day for you. It's your first day flying solo. One more training session and your
own your own. Think you're ready?
BRIAN
Yeah man! More than ready!
DAVID regards BRIAN with a wary eye.
DAVID
Look Brian, just take your time, do your job, and don't screw up.
BRIAN
I know David, I know! Don't sweat it, man.
DAVID returns to eating his cereal.
BRIAN pours himself more cereal and milk.
BRIAN (cont'd)
Man, this is a weird life we lead, isn't it?
DAVID nods.
DAVID
Can't really call it 'life', though...
BRIAN
Well, we ain’t DEAD.
DAVID
We aren't alive either! But that was the deal. It sucks sometimes. No real relationships. No contact
with our loved ones or the people in our past...
BRIAN becomes wistful for a moment.
BRIAN
Yeah....that part does suck. I wonder what Judy's doin' now...
DAVID groans.
DAVID
Oh geez! Not JUDY again! Is that the ONLY woman you ever knew?
(beat)
Look, this life sucks, but we chose it, for better or worse.
BRIAN
Well... it beats the hell out of the alternative!
DAVID nods in agreement.
DAVID
Yeah, the alternative we have waitin' for US. But some of the lucky bastards we collect are actually
going UP, not DOWN.
BRIAN
You don't know where they're going, it could be a parking garage in New Jersey or off into the either.
We work for the grim reaper, not God!
(beat)
Hey man, at least we get to breathe the air, enjoy food, and have SEX! That's what I'm talkin' about!
DAVID harrumphs. I still don't understand why the Boss picked an agnostic like you for this job. I've
been doing this since the civil war and you’re the first agnostic I've ever seen the boss take in.
BRIAN
It just goes to show you that death doesn’t discriminate. Although I wish he'd let us have more that a
one night stand. I'd like a real girlfriend like Judy again.
DAVID
You just want the Sex! Besides we ain't allowed more'n a one night stand, so forget Judy!
BRIAN grins.
BRIAN
So??? I guess your right, who needs more than that? And we get to read MINDS, man, and we can
walk right through walls! We can project and be whomever we want. That's just radical!
DAVID
You're only supposed to use that on the people you're collecting -- for verification purposes.
BRIAN
I know, man -- but hell Dave, it makes pickin' up the chickies so damn EASY! Read their minds, tell
em what they want to hear.
BRIAN chuckles with glee.
DAVID
Yeah, you won't think it's so funny when the Boss finds out.
BRIAN
Aw man, the Boss ain't gonna find out. He can't keep track of ALL of us ALL the time. What are
there? A MILLION assistant reapers? No way he can know what we're all doin'.
DAVID eyeballs BRIAN.
DAVID
Don't you bet on it, Brian. You'd be surprised what the Boss knows. And I know he's a real stickler for
the RULES.
BRIAN shrugs.
BRIAN
I ain't worried. As long as I'm an assistant reaper, I plan to have some FUN!
DAVID
Yeah, well just remember -- if the Boss finds out, he can end your time here just like that!
DAVID snaps his fingers.
DAVID (cont'd)
And then you KNOW where you're headed, right?
BRIAN shudders at the thought, then regains his carefree attitude.
BRIAN
first off you don't KNOW where anyone we take is headed. You have your beliefs, I have mine. I do
my job. The Boss won't care HOW I do it. Besides, a guy's gotta have some fun once in awhile. You
collect 'em your way Dave, and I'll collect 'em mine.
DAVID gives up.
DAVID
Suit yourself. It's your funeral. Here is your new SICKLE, don't get carried away with it.
BRIAN laughs.
BRIAN
That's a good one!
BRIAN reaches across the table and picks up a new SICKLE that is lying there still in the plastic
wrapper. He looks at it.
BRIAN (cont'd)
Why can't we have scythes instead of these dumb-ass sickles??? Hell, these damn things don't even
cut the person! They just pass right through 'em, and then they die. Where's the fun in that???
DAVID
It ain't supposed to be fun! And only the Boss gets a scythe. You just be happy with what you've got.
That sickle's all you need to send a soul to its just reward. Besides if you'd ever picked up a scythe
you'd know how heavy they are, be grateful you don't have to lug one of um around.
A BUZZING sound is heard.
DAVID (cont'd)
Yep....here come the lists now. Time to hit the bricks.
With a FLASH of light, two pieces of paper appear on the table beside the two men.
They stand and SNAP their fingers -- and instantly each one is dressed in the dark robes and hoods
of assistant reapers.
They pick up their sickles and their individual lists.
BRIAN
Time for some FUN!
DAVID just shakes his head. First lets do your last training session and then you're on your own.
With another finger-snap, they vanish.
002 INT. BEDROOM with sleeping man in bed. David touches him with the sickle and he dies.
DAVID now that's how you do it, nice and simple like the boss likes it, got it?
BRIAN yeah dude I got it, boring but quick.
DAVID the boss likes boring live with it. Now get out there and do your damn job. See you later.
They both vanish.
003 INT. LIVING ROOM - RUN-DOWN MOBILE HOME - CONTINUOUS
ANDY sits alone in the living room of his decrepit mobile home. He has the look of an unwashed,
unshaven middle-aged hippie.
ANDY is smoking a joint. A beer sits on the table beside him.
He is watching TV. The SEXIEST WOMAN he's ever seen (DEBBIE) is modeling the sexiest
LINGERIE he's ever seen! TITLES on the screen read "DEBBIE'S HOUSE OF TOYS AND LINGERIE"
and "Debbie Wearing Her Latest Creation".
ANDY'S mouth hangs open, practically drooling.
A moment later his drooling is interrupted by a KNOCK at the door.
SFX: KNOCKING
Irritated, ANDY calls out...
ANDY
Yeah? Who the hell is it?
He looks out the window and his eyes get wide.
DEBBIE
It's Debbie. You know.....from Debbie's House of Lingerie? I've brought you a little fashion show let
me in. You should see what I'm wearing under this dress.
There is only one thing in the world that could tear ANDY away from the TV at this moment -- and
that one thing just knocked on his door!
ANDY falls all over himself rushing to get to the door. He OPENS it to find DEBBIE standing there—
Wearing a very sexy dress.
DEBBIE (cont'd)
(smiles)
Hi Andy! I'm Debbie. You were picked from our e-mail list to get your own peek at my latest fashions.
ANDY can't get out an intelligible word.
ANDY
Whu...uh...duh...ah....buh....
DEBBIE giggles.
DEBBIE
I bet you say that to all the girls! Can I come in?
Dumbfounded, ANDY just NODS and steps aside, as DEBBIE enters his ratty trailer.
She looks around.
DEBBIE (cont'd)
Wow! I love what you've done with the place.
ANDY is still star-struck, but is starting to form actual words now.
ANDY
Whu...uh....yeah...um.... Thanks... Wha-- What're you doin' here?
DEBBIE turns and looks him in the eye.
DEBBIE
I came to tell you a joke!
ANDY is confused -- but still drooling.
ANDY
Uh....a joke?
DEBBIE
Yeah, silly! A knock-knock joke.
The whole thing is starting to seem surreal to ANDY. But he's going along for the ride.
ANDY
Um....uh....yeah....oh...okay...
DEBBIE steps very close to him and purses her lips sensuously.
DEBBIE
Knock knock...
ANDY nods.
ANDY
Uh...who....who's there?
DEBBIE smiles.
Then she suddenly MORPHS into the specter of BRIAN as the reaper!
ANDY'S eyes go WIDE OPEN in SHOCK.
BRIAN/REAPER
DEATH!!!!!
With an evil LAUGH, BRIAN swings his SICKLE. ANDY SCREAMS in TERROR, then drops DEAD on
the floor.
BRIAN laughs hysterically. Then he SNAPS his fingers and VANISHES.
004 INT. LIVING ROOM - RUTH'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
RUTH is a somewhat older woman. She sits on her couch alone, CROCHETING a doily. A TEACUP
sits on the TABLE beside her.
After a few moments she puts the CROCHET down. She takes a SIP from the TEACUP, draining the
last drops from it. She sets the TEACUP back down on the TABLE.
RUTH stands and walks over to the MANTLE. She looks at a FRAMED PHOTO of her with a MAN
who is clearly her husband. She touches the photo fondly, and heaves a sorrowful SIGH.
A moment later her DOORBELL rings.
SFX: Doorbell
RUTH
Oh dear. Who could that be?
She pats her hair in an attempt to make it more presentable, as she walks across the living room to
the FRONT DOOR.
She OPENS the door -- and her HANDS fly to her MOUTH as she GASPS in shock and amazement.
There on her front porch stands HER HUSBAND (BEN)!
RUTN (cont'd)
(shocked)
Oh my GOD!
BEN smiles.
BEN
Hello Ruth. How are you?
RUTH is beside herself.
RUTH
Ben??! Ben...is that you???
BEN
In the flesh.
RUTH
But...but....you're DEAD!
BEN
It's me, Ruth.
RUTH
You're dead! I was at your funeral. I watched them lower you into the ground!
BEN
Calm down, Ruthie. I can explain...
RUTH is still in shock.
RUTH
No no no....this can't be! It just CAN'T...
BEN
Ruth....listen to me. I'm here because God sent me.
RUTH
God...?
BEN
Yes sweetheart. God sent me.
RUTH
But....but WHY???
BEN
He sent me to deliver a message to you, Ruthie. A personal message straight from God.
RUTH
A....a message??? Wha-- What message?
BEN
Well....it's more like a parable. But it's in the form of a joke.
RUTH
A...a JOKE???
BEN
Oh yes, my dear! The Almighty has a wonderful sense of humor! And he sent me here to deliver this
VERY special joke -- just for YOU!
RUTH looks as if she's about to faint. She struggles to hold herself together.
RUTH
What....what is it?
BEN leans close to her.
BEN
Knock knock......
CUT TO:
005 EXT. STREET BESIDE RUTH'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
We cannot see RUTH or BEN. Suddenly, RUTH'S terrified SCREAMS are heard -- then quickly
silenced!
A moment later, BRIAN in his reaper garb comes strolling around the corner of the house,
LAUGHING hysterically. In his hand he carries a BLOODY KNIFE.
He pauses to catch his breath.
BRIAN/REAPER
This is SUCH a GAS! So much BLOOD!
He LAUGHS evilly!
BRIAN WIPES the KNIFE on the grass to get the BLOOD off, then puts the KNIFE inside his robes.
From his robes he pulls his LIST and looks it over.
BRIAN/REAPER (cont'd)
Next victim.....Sarah Smithers. Hmmm..... It's time to have even MORE fun!
He reaches inside his robes and pulls out a HATCHET.
With an EVIL LAUGH and a SNAP of his fingers, BRIAN vanishes.
In a WINDOW on the side of the HOUSE, the CURTAIN is pulled back. There, standing in DARK
ROBES, holding a SCYTHE, stands THE BOSS -- his EYES glowing RED as he looks at the spot
where BRIAN was standing.
THE BOSS snaps his fingers -- and VANISHES.
006 EXT. SARAH'S HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - CONTINUOUS
TOM walks up to the front door. He read in the paper that she just sent her son off to collage on a
prestigious scholarship and decides to become him. He puts his HAND on the doorbell and rings it,
no answer. He is a bit puzzled because he can't read any thoughts here. He knocks on the door and
it opens.
007 INT. SARAH'S HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS
The door opens, and BRIAN as TOM steps into the house. He calls out.
TOM
Mom???
He closes the door behind him and calls again.
TOM (cont'd)
MOM??? It's me....Tom! I'm home from college!
But there is no answer. The house is empty.
TOM morphs into BRIAN as the reaper. He holds the HATCHET in his hand.
BRIAN/REAPER
Helloooooo???
Still no response.
Irritated, BRIAN tucks the HATCHET into his robes and pulls out his LIST. He looks at the LIST.
BRIAN/REAPER (cont'd)
(irritated)
Dammit! Somebody screwed up! That bitch was supposed to BE here! NOW what am I supposed to
do???
At that moment there comes a KNOCK at the door. A woman's voice calls through the door.
JUDY (O/S)
Hello? Mrs. Smithers??
BRIAN turns and STARES at the door. He knows that voice!
He tucks the LIST back into his robes. In a FLASH, he morphs into his regular street clothes.
He walks over and looks through the peep hole and it is JUDY! He opens the door -- and there on
the porch stands JUDY. She looks at him in SURPRISE!
JUDY (CONT'D)
Brian??! Oh wow! I haven't seen you in..... WOW!
She steps inside and gives BRIAN a big HUG.
JUDY (cont'd)
How have you been? WHERE have you been??? Everybody's been looking for you ever since the
party....
BRIAN
Yeah....yeah.... Wow, Judy! You look great! Really great!
JUDY blushes and smiles.
JUDY
Thanks! So do you! So what happened to you after the party? You never came home.
BRIAN
Yeah, yeah....I know. I had a little....um.....accident....
JUDY
(laughs)
Yeah....you always were accident prone! It's just so good to see you! What're you doing here???
BRIAN
Oh....well...uh....I was......
JUDY Hey, want to hear a good joke?
Knock knock.
BRIAN looks at her in dismay.
BRIAN
What??
Suddenly, JUDY morphs into THE BOSS, who holds his SCYTHE menacingly.
BRIAN'S eyes go WIDE in TERROR.
With a VOICE that sounds like the very pits of hell itself, THE BOSS speaks....
BOSS
(ominously)
Knock.....knock.....
THE BOSS raises his SCYTHE and swings it as BRIAN SCREAMS in TERROR!
CUT TO BLACK: THE END
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